identity

Several months ago, i had to take part in an icebreaking session.  we were given small slips paper, and were told to give our name to introduce ourselves, and then say a few words about whatever was written on the slip.

There were fifty or so of us, and it took a while before it would be my turn to speak up.  as i sat there, listening to people give their names – names i’d quickly forget until i’d have the chance to properly get to know them – i noticed that some people said “I am Jane Doe” while others said “My name is John Hancock.”  And i laughed.

And then when it was my turn to speak.  I said something ridiculous that was funny to me but bland to everyone else.  I can’t remember it now, but it was a small little quip about how names and identities are distinct.  Most of the time, the chasm that exists between the two matters little to us.  I think for most people, the chasm doesn’t even exist – it was bridged long ago and though the structure may be false, that’s okay.

I got stuck on the actual words being spoken by my friends when they were identifying themselves. Some said, “My name is,” while others said, “I am.”  Those who said “I am Jeff” or “I am Jennifer” had made a clear link between their understanding of their self and the utterance that followed.  Their existence is marked by the sound, “Jeff,” or “Jennifer.”  Those who said “My name is Mark,” or “My name is Mandy,” on the other hand, had made the distinction that the utterance which follows is only an appellation.  It is not necessarily an adjective, but still, all it does is describe the person.

I’m no linguist, so I can’t explain this as well as I’d like to.  But the difference can be better understood by comparing how we describe ourselves in English to how it’s done in French.  We don’t normally give a second thought to saying “My name is so-and-so,” but what if we were to think about how it’s done in a foreign language?  In French, we introduce ourselves to people by saying “Je m’appelle mitchellirons.com”.   In our first French classes, we don’t learn that “Je m’appelle” is a reflexive construction of the verb “appeller,” which means “to call” as in “to describe.”  Instead, we’re told that “Je m’appelle” means, “My name is.”  And idiomaticlly, it does: it’s the phrase used in the same situations as “my name is” used in English.  But take that construction apart, and the difference between “I am so-and-so” and “My name is so-and-so” becomes as clear as day.  When we say, “Je m’appelle,” we are saying something akin to “I am called by,” or “The descriptor I use to describe myself is…”  My person or my self, that is, is not necessarily the utterance I am about to use to identify “me” with.

I like this negotiation of identity that goes on every time I say “My name is.”  Perhaps that’s why I so willingly changed my name in the past, and so willingly have constructed another identity (if not several identities) on the internet.  An identity is nothing more than a public facet of our self.  And a name is imposed on us. Marshall Mathers gets this, and I do, too.

Anyway.  I may have written about this before.  it’s all derivative at this point in my life (no pun intended).

digressions and diversions

i’m spending too much time on the inside.

classes technically ended a week ago, but i’ve still been going at it due to some extended terms thanks to so doctors who were determined to attend their spring-time conferences.  i generally appreciate it when the class isn’t cancelled outright but tacked on to the end of the term – especially when there are only 12 classes to the term (i.e. apparently 24 hours of queer theory makes your a queer superstar).  but this month has turned into a circus sideshow of deadlines and criticisms and professors breathing down my back, in part because of these makeup classes.  Final papers are to be submitted today and next week for these classes when on a regular schedule they would have been due a week sooner.  This would normally be no-harm-no-foul except that thesis committees have now come-a-knockin’, looking for results for the May 9th defense, when I haven’t been able to consider the project in the past two weeks because of these essays.  ay-yai-yai.

back to the time on the inside.  it being the end of term, i’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing.  i’ve situated my laptop and myself and my 157 books (that would include books for the thesis, mind you.  but it does not count the numerous articles stored online for any project) in my living room, which is relatively large and bright.  i thrive on natural sunlight, and this is the brightest room in the flat, so here i have been for the past two weeks, reading and typing, typing and reading, sometimes eating, and sometimes sleeping.  the pets appreciate seeing more of me, i think, but i’m not so sure what the library will think of the furry nest they’ve made of all the dead old white men i’ve borrowed from the stacks.  anyway, i haven’t got out much as of late (this is not new in itself – its the end of the term blues), but I have got out enough to notice that (1) the songbirds have come back, praise jesus, and (2), it’s warm enough that i should have put my winter coat away two weeks ago, praise jesus again.  Oh yes, and (3), we’re having an abnormally sunny spring so far.  praise jesus and benedict, things are going good for us!

this blurb is a digression and a diversion from the 25 pages of stuff i’m never going to read again.  writing these papers have been a long haul that won’t finish up for another week – i can’t wait for it all to be through.  many of us have been creating Summertime Diversion From The Thesis Plans- ideas or dreams to divert our attention away from the thesis, once a week or so.  many of the others are planning weekly camping trips or day-hikes. or simple weekly traipses about town.  that’s all well and good, especially since so many of them flew into town to go to school and haven’t had a chance to really check out the region yet.  they’ll need to get to know their city, even if they’re leaving so soon; it’s good for the soul.  my diversion, or my planned diversion, is based on writing.  i often return to CW as a diversion from (or simply a “measure to avoid”) term papers.  this time though, it’s serious.  several of the long-haul plans that have been brewing over the past four years are about to go into full swing.  it will be interesting to see how my interests and writing styles have changed in this time.  the summer is only 12 weeks long, so there isn’t too much time to pound out too much work, but with a little luck the innocent diversion will turn itself into something pompous and pretentious, like the days of old, if only on a more personal scale this time around.